The ability to truly hear another - with curiosity about their experience and without taking it personally - is a wonderful capacity to cultivate.

Do you provide a safe harbour for them to gently dock the boats of emotion? Or do you cast them into raging seas of reactivity?

All too often when we hear someone share their feelings or present moment experience, particularly the crunchy stuff, we turn it into something about us.

This tends to have more charge when in connection to a partner or lover as our attachment needs are usually more activated. You may feel challenging sensations accompanied by thoughts such as…

• I am responsible for this
• What have I done?
• I must be to blame
• I am expected to do something here
• I need to fix this
• I need to change myself to make them happy

When we go into emotional reactivity, we lose connection with ourself and the other. Being curious about their experience increases connection. Becoming defensive decreases connection.

Over time this blocks the truth-speaking required for authentic intimacy. Simply put, if we cannot bring our feelings to another and be heard, then we stop doing it. It’s simply not worth the effort.

Ever happened to you?

There is a deeply human need to share our inner world and be heard. Whilst the speaker may have a desire for you to do something with their words shared, without a specific request, it’s best not to get into mind-reading. Even better not to pretzel yourself to accommodate the perceived need without agreement.

Here is my most favourite practice to presence the moment and share what is arising. It starts with a simple yet profound question: What is here now?

PRESENCING THE MOMENT PRACTICE

• Sit face to face. Settle in to your body as fully as you can.
• Softly gaze into one another’s eyes without any words. If that feels do-able for you.
• Take a few long full breaths together.
• When the moment feels ripe, one person begins by asking “What is here now?”
• Then the other names in one word, a feeling or sensation in their body. Such as curiosity, tenderness, tingling, butterflies, anxiety, gratitude, confusion, numbness or something else.
• Be as true, real and transparent as you possibly can be. Perhaps as true, real and transparent as dare.
• Take a breath together to allow what is said to settle.
• Then swap over and ask “What is here now?”
• The first person now answers – presencing the truth of their present moment experience in one word. It might be a feeling or sensation. Be as true, real and transparent as you possibly can be. Perhaps as true, real and transparent as dare.
• Take a breath together to allow what is said to settle.
• Then keep on going back and forth between you until it feels complete.

• Give yourself a stretch and shake to release any pent up energy.

• Thank one another for the courage and commitment to Truth and Love.

Notice how each moment gives rise to a new moment.

Sensations and feelings move and change from moment to moment. Perhaps in relation or reaction to what is happening with your partner. Perhaps simply because life is moving and changing through you moment to moment.

Whatever is arising, practice simply speaking and allowing it without hooking onto any particular moment.

Whatever is arising, practice hearing and witnessing it without going into reactivity or making it about you.

Whatever is arising, cultivate curiosity and keep following the moment to moment feelings and sensations in your own body.

Laugher and tears may arise.

You will know that the practice is complete when you arrive in the same place or start to loop round meta feelings such as Love and Gratitude.

TIPS

Try as best you can to stick to simply one word - two if you must. No explanation required. Notice if you keep on wanting to qualify or justify what's happening. Can you simply allow each moment to be as it is?

If you don't have a partner, practice with a friend. It's good for all our relationships!

It’s best to practice this when you are both in a good – or at a least neutral – mood. Keep practising again and again until it flows easily between you both. Until it becomes part of your way of communicating. That way when things are more challenging – and challenges are inevitable – you have a solid baseline of experience to rest into.

When you are first practising this, set a timer to give a container for the enquiry. Ten minutes is a good time to start.

If you feel stuck, contracted or shut down, it may be that you are holding back for fear of offending or upsetting the other person. If it feels do-able, take courage to be a little bolder. It might just get the energy flowing again. If it doesn’t feel do-able, best to call an end to the practice and try another time.

^{IMAGE CREDIT: Illustration 100581507 © Benjavisa Ruangvaree | Dreamstime.com}